Expectation VS Reality

Doing life on Level 1000

What day is it? It’s Tuesday. Again. This past week felt like I stood still while the world and life around us soldiered on like normal. Whizzing by. *Whoosh*. There it went.

The floor is dirty. Toys everywhere. The kitchen is filled with dirty dishes and stamped with coffee mug rings. The struggle to keep up is spilling out of every corner and the sun highlights the proof on every window in little hand- and paw prints. I try to resist buying new toys and puzzles to make myself feel better (don’t I deserve it after what I have been through, I pitifully think to myself).

I am finally dressed again after almost a week of hiding in my bathrobe. These past days I thought it would be best to dress the part. To look exactly how I felt. Maybe my little boy would get the hint and go easy on me then? Ha. Ha.

A new favorite Norwegian saying of mine became Up and not crying. Yes. I feel that in my bones.

Did I expect it to be like this when I became a mom and a self-employed crochet designer? It doesn’t exactly sound Instaperfect, does it? [Insert Expectation VS Reality meme here]

But do you know what I discovered? That even though you try so hard to do everything right, sometimes you still have to endure all the things you don’t want. You can eat and live healthy and still get sick. You can become self-employed for the flexibility it gives you, but still feel like it’s not enough sometimes. You can gentle parent, but still have to deal with a toddler throwing a tandoori (I wanted to type tantrum, but my Ipad’s way more creative than I am). And yes you still have to be a parent, even though you have the flu and feel very very sorry for yourself (and your toddler really doesn’t give a sh*t).

It is hard

What I also discovered is that I am not alone in this. These past days I talked to multiple parents and they said oh I know exactly what you mean! The needing to rest, but the inability to rest because of the constant guilt. That nagging thought of I can’t that is playing on autopilot in your head on an infinite loop. And also, the constant feeling of failure, because everything grinds to a halt. Not only the household, but also work projects that will stay the same until I start working again. Being sick and being a parent is like playing life on level 1.000. And work? Let’s just not even go there, okay?

What can be so healing is the feeling of shared sorrow. That you can vent to someone who just gets it. Who has experienced it all before. The confirmation that indeed, it is hard. That it isn’t just me. That confirmation is good for the soul. Not everything has to be positive all the time. If it has to be, it ultimately becomes negative.

A big exhale

What I also experienced is that the more I share my own struggles, the more other parents open up to me about their own problems and experiences. I have been quite open about my mental health struggles to other parents and in turn they share about their own anxiety, (postpartum) depression or just simply how hard it can sometimes be to parent. Even when you have that village.

You see, you do not magically become a different person when you have a child. You are still the same. With all your imperfections and insecurities and past mistakes (and mental health issues). You do not suddenly turn into this wise sage persona. The wisdom comes with experience. Through trial and error. So you kinda stumble your way through it all. And that can feel deeply vulnerable.

So imagine my exhale when I shared about how hard this week has been to another parent and that parent not only saying to me: I know exactly what you mean. But then also taking our boy with them on a playdate so I could potato my way back to health (figuratively, but here are some potatoes).

Letting go

This past week reminded me that I am still a perfectionist at heart and that I am way too strict for myself. I thought that I had let go of most of that. I thought I did it well (the irony is not lost on me). A quick Reddit search showed me differently. Children fed and safe is the standard when you’re sick. Let them be bored. Let them have their tv time. Let them run around in pajamas all day. Everything else can wait.

I hope you are feeling well. How do you deal with being sick and parenting? Or being sick and self-employed? Any tips?

I’m off thinking about what it would look like if I asked ChatGPT to create a picture of my little boy throwing a tandoori. X